Birth is a spiritual experience that has shaped me into who I am as a woman and as a mother. I deeply believe that being surrounded by women who love and support other women, who love all things birth, and who trust in my body just as much as I do.... are the key ingredients for having a beautiful labor and birth. I believe in and trust my body. I also trust God and have an inner knowing that my body knows exactly what to do. I am- we are- perfectly made.
In the beginning of April, I bent down to help my son Samuel put on a pair of shoes and I felt nauseous. Our midwife, Cindi, was the first person to get a text to know I was pregnant—and afterwards Dillon and I left to go sit on the Jetties in Destin to take in this news. We saw the most beautiful sunset that day and a huge pod of dolphins surrounded us as we were laughing and crying—as this new gift of life was about to grace our lives. Initially, Dillon was way more excited than I was. One thing for sure is that as we were walking along the beach, hand in hand, we both could feel the calming spirit move through us, letting us know that it was going to be another beautiful journey and birth.
From the time I found out I was pregnant, deep in our hearts we both felt that we were going to have a little girl. There were things that made me believe that as well... at the beginning of my pregnancy, my grandmothers name kept coming to me over and over again. Then one afternoon it was extremely telling; the pinkest ray of light that one could possibly imagine, was brightly shining in, blanketing the entire living room. With no explanation of where it could possibly be coming from, I immediately shared with Dillon that we were definitely having a little girl.
At the time, Cindi was away and she didn’t know if she would be available to attend my birth. We joked around with her while simultaneously asking her to seriously consider attending our birth. My biggest wish was that she would be my midwife and be at my birth again. I definitely spoke to God about it. And at times I had felt a little delusional thinking it would happen. I just couldn’t shake the feeling or imagine it any other way. We didn’t feel we would find a midwife of Cindi’s caliber...she has a special place in our hearts after delivering our son. She will forever be our birth angel! Although I put in my prayer request, we knew we had to find a midwife to take care of us for the time being.
A lot of change was happening in our lives. We had decided to sell our home and were already in the process of doing so. So many questions arose: How do I have a home birth when we won’t even have a home? Who is going to be our midwife? What are our next steps? Our pre-pregnancy plan was to travel for a few months and then figure out where we wanted to live next...where we wanted to plant our roots and raise our family. Now we had a time line with a due date and needed to figure something out.
I had spoken to and met with other midwives in the area and nothing felt quite right for me. Dillon and I had talked about free birthing since I was unwilling to settle....I know how important it is to have the right energy surrounding a woman during pregnancy and while birthing. It’s such a sacred moment in ones life. I was almost convinced to free birth but I was at a loss with not having a midwife I could fully trust and called Cindi. Thankfully I did, because She led me to a midwife named Suzy.
Suzy and I chatted on the phone for over 20 minutes and we clicked. I felt so elated and overjoyed when I was talking with Suzy. I did a happy dance in my kitchen afterwards. I felt like she really cared, understood and genuinely loved women & birth. Just like Cindi did. I felt so much passion. This was incredibly refreshing. Finally, I found a midwife I felt good about using and whom was incredibly skilled. We scheduled a time to meet in person.
Dillon, Samuel and I met with Suzy and had breakfast and chatted. We really enjoyed her laid back style. From the very beginning it felt as if God had his hands in the mix, leading us to her.
Each time we met with her we grew closer and we felt connected. Her energy was easy to be around. The stories Suzy tells and the things that she says are so unexpected and downright hilarious.
We quickly realized Suzy was one of a kind.
It was clear to me from very early on, that both of my midwives hold each other in high regard. The respect and love that Suzy has for Cindi was expressed to us throughout my pregnancy. The coolest part about it all is that Suzy also wanted Cindi at our birth just as much as we did— and she was in our corner to make it happen!
Although I had a peaceful pregnancy, It was busy this time. I had a two year old to run around after and the only time I rested was when he did. Since we didn’t have a set plan in life just yet or a home to nest in, we decided to just wait on finding out the gender of our baby and we headed to Colorado to travel for a month. Looking back now, this baby was absolutely grounding for us whenever everything else in our lives just felt so up in the air.
At this time, there was still so much uncertainty on if we wanted to stay in Florida after the birth of our second child or move to the beautiful mountains. We decided that buying again just to buy wasn’t something we were interested in doing and we certainly didn’t have enough time to build. The only answer we could come up with was buying a tiny home. It didn’t seem so permanent and surprisingly the only thing that made since for us while temporarily checking all of our boxes. After we came into agreement with this decision.. We found out it would be a year to even start building one.
Then literally the next day, a post came up with the company we wanted to build one with— surprisingly, a new custom built tiny home was for sale. We laughed while looking at the pictures, thinking what were the chances of this happening? It felt like the right path as everything felt so easy and was instantly aligning. We agreed that the tiny was beautiful and perfect for what we needed. We knew it wasn’t going to last so we put down a deposit and within days, we flew out to Virginia to put in an offer on a 300 sq ft tiny home—so we could have a home birth.
What a journey this indeed was going to be.
The day our lives changed.......❤️
The morning of December 4, 2019, I woke up with my son Samuel, and we headed downstairs to the living room. We sat on the couch and the sunlight was shining in so bright from the window. As the light was shining on my sweet Samuel, I combed my fingers through his beautiful red hair over and over again, in silence. That moment I tucked away in my heart so I could feel it forever. I knew it was my last morning with just him. I was so lost in the moment, fully experiencing it for what it was. I almost wish I could have froze time and sat there a little longer. I felt that deep within, this would be the last morning of just us three. Our trio. Samuel would always be our first baby and the one who made me a mother but would no longer be the baby of our family. I could feel the shift- this new gift of life would be joining us soon.
Suzy texted me mid morning asking how I was doing... it was my due date (that she correctly guessed by the way). I still had some dull cramping but didn’t feel like it was anything serious just yet. She texted again around 11 and that’s when I told her I just had some show.. Without having to ask, Suzy left within twenty minutes, texting me saying she was going to head this way— I didn’t have a chance to read this text. Dillon came in the bathroom to tell me while I was having three back to back contractions. That was comforting to hear as I experienced those few short breaks in between. I was still doubting the sensations I was having in my body. At times, I felt like maybe it was premature for anyone to head this way. But Suzy knew to come. I felt like I was in the very early stages of labor, that I still must have some time. Little did I know I would be having a baby in just a few short hours.
By noon, My mood started to shift- in the same sentence I was asking Dillon to tell everyone to turn back around and then when I was having a contraction that they should all come. I kept getting up out of bed and laboring on the toilet, it hurt so good. At one point Dillon asked me if I texted everyone to let them know not to come yet. I quickly snapped back at him— telling him how he should be the one texting them!
Clarity set in. We needed that moment. He now knew what I truly needed. This was his tell all sign that I was in true labor and that it was time....and it was also mine.
Dillon quickly told everyone to come.
Suzy thankfully had already left a while ago and now was only a few minutes away when she got his text. She walked in the door just as I transitioned. Perfect timing.
I remember laboring in bed as I was trying to find my meditative breath and some sense of calm as everything was progressing faster than I would have ever anticipated. Suzy sat at the foot of the bed and expressed her excitement that I was in labor, her energy was infectious.
Suzy shared with Dillon that he wouldn’t have time to blow up the pool, that I’m that close to having a baby.
Dillon expressed to me that he knew he had to blow up the birth pool, that the pool was everything I needed and wanted so he immediately started when Suzy told him that.
I am so incredibly thankful for him.
My mom was already on her way to come watch Samuel during the birth but for the time being, Dillon had to watch our toddler, comfort me during many contractions and set up the pool—fast.
I remember feeling as if this baby was coming fast and wouldn’t be waiting on anyone. It was a wild feeling to have.
I was looking at Suzy while she called Cindi while sitting at the foot of the bed. She was telling her how far along I was and to head to the birth. That’s when it sunk in; I was going to have a baby in the middle of the day. Suzy told Cindi that they were going to make happy hour afterwards, which was seriously hilarious.
Kayla walked in the door and was such an amazing help to us, she was a very needed and welcomed presence. She ended up being more than our birth photographer, she spent time with Samuel and helped watch him as Dillon comforted me during contractions. Throughout my labor she entertained Samuel as Dillon went back and forth between blowing up the birthing pool and breathing with me during my rushes when I called out for him.
Just like my last labor, I was talking most of the way through it. I had some intense rushes but still was very unusually chatty. I quickly realized I needed to go inward and stay there, I needed to focus because my body was moving along faster than my mind, the time was near and the breaks in between the rushes were getting shorter.
I kept saying the affirmation “I surrender to my body and my baby” over and over again when it was getting tough. When Dillon was by my side, he was hugging me and fully embracing me. It brought so much relief. He was everything I needed. It felt so good to have him holding me, kissing me and telling me that he loved me. We were so connected and intertwined during this time. I needed him to stay by my side now more than ever.
Dillon whispered “Cindi is here”. This moment was very dream like. It was so beautiful outside. I was laboring in the middle of the afternoon in December but it felt like a sunny summer day. The brightest light was shining in through our sheer white curtains....and now, I had both of the best midwifes on Earth at the birth of our baby and by my side supporting me.
Cindi came in at the perfect time. I was going inward and had many back to back powerful contractions. She kept comforting me and her touch was everything. I felt at this point in labor I could barely express in words what I was thinking— but her voice and touch was so calming to me. I wish I had told her to keep talking to me and touching my skin. The rushes were super powerful, it was the perfect distraction.
The small embraces I got from my son Samuel throughout my labor were so sweet and ones I’ll remember forever. He would come up to me, look me straight in the eyes..as i
f he was looking deep into my soul, then give me the biggest hug and a little kiss. It was as if he knew what was happening. He understood. Throughout the rest of my labor he would continuously come up to the side of the bed to check on me. He crawled onto the bed and hugged me. He is so in tune with his surroundings. His caring heart continues to amaze me. I had the greatest support. And my sweet dog Kali, didn’t leave my side.
By this time, The really heavy pressure started and Dillon stayed with me. I remembered this pressure from my first birth. Cindi knew we had to move fast. Cindi suggested to go sit on the toilet one time before I got into the pool.
Standing up while in labor is so humbling for me. I realize my only choice is to be relaxed and surrendered to my body, to feel all the powerful sensations. Pregnancy, labor and birth can be a very spiritual experience. Both labor and birth are wonderful reminders of how powerful and incredible women are; while at the exact same time, bringing a beautiful reminder of the need to surrender to a power and a force that’s much greater than all of us.
Once I sat down on the toilet, My water immediately broke. Cindi knew I needed to get up and move to the pool before the next contraction if I wanted to have the baby in the pool. I remember walking to the barely filled pool, and almost plunging myself in with Dillon holding onto me. It almost felt like he wasn’t moving fast enough and I was pulling him. By the time I sat back and Dillon got behind me for support, the baby was already crowning. I pushed for two minutes and with only a few contractions, the baby was out.
I couldn’t control anything. I was letting it all out. I was having this baby NOW. I remember hearing Dillon comfort Samuel telling him it was ok, That Mommy was ok. While also talking to me so sweetly telling me baby is on the way and that I’ve got this. Pushing is relieving to me. My body didn’t hold back and neither did I. My body did much of the work for me...my body was pushing the baby out. In my mind though, I wanted to sit back in this warm tub and enjoy it for a just a moment, maybe take my time. It was happening all so fast I just wanted to take a breath or at least a good pause before I birthed, so my mind could just catch up and my legs could just relax a little more....however my body was not in agreement with my mind. I was pushing the baby out already and I just had to go with it. Surrender. Baby was coming into the world and I had to get out of the way and let my body work it’s magic. From the time my water broke on the toilet, to walking to the pool, to when our baby was born all happened within the span of four minutes.
I lightened up, smiled, took some deep breaths then relaxed and released....I caught our baby GIRL. How wild and amazing.
It was such a relief to have had her. HER. I let out the biggest cry when it sunk in that I get to experience a mother-daughter relationship. What a surprise. It brought me to tears and still does. Her cry was so beautiful. She is incredible and her journey into this world was incredible. I had an amazing birth in the middle of the day to a sweet healthy baby girl. That sunny day was her day all along. This birth brought us all together. The perfect energy. This birth also brought a great reminder in life that sometimes not having a plan and giving space to find your next steps, can bring you to the most beautiful people, places and outcomes.
I am so thankful I listened to my inner promptings. God had his hands in this guiding me along the whole way. After all, Cindi lead us to Suzy...who then led us back to Cindi. What a huge blessing this was. I threw it all up to God to handle and just trusted, then the blessings of life came back full circle. In a way, our family gained another angel... we now have two midwives looking after our babies. We are so forever thankful and humbled for being able to experience this beautiful moment in life and to have experienced another memorable & loving birth at home with the best energy surrounding us.
June Dillon, you are the light of our lives.
